Combobulation

I’ve felt many things in my day
I’ve struggled w/depression
I’ve met my match w/mania

I have felt to throw in my cards
Folding before too much is lost
Dealt w/too much; a lot

Quandaries to pester my mind
Thoughts & visions not so sublime
Wanting a reprieve from this time line

Confusion to unsettle the mind
Wondering just what’s left behind
The drama’s and tortures; confined

Breaking through the past
Settling what wasn’t meant to last
A history to now stand the outcast

Wickedness to grab their souls
The end comes ever so dear
Unresolved history in arrears

I will have no remorse
My tears will not flow
My love for you didn’t grow

The pains of a mind
The disdain of time
The tortures always rewind

Inside your crimes
The times you beat me
The times you’d eat me

Broken became my spirit
Jesus was not to answer my prayers
Cops could only, sadly, stare

This young child
I see her often
Alone and scared

This is what you’ve done
My psyche to split
My only defense against the bullshit

Into my mind I crept further
Into my heart grew such a blackness
Into my soul she silently wept

Splitting apart in the late of night
When cologne was placed just right
Awaken my body; I squeezing eyes tight

Transporting to a place of no sight
Sounds and smells void all around
Left to tend to my wounds was my plight

An evil wicked delight
Punishing a young child w/fright
To threaten their young life

I feel the torture you’ve caused
I feel the pain of so many wrongs
I tried & sobbed but no one came along

Crashing in like waves
Leaving me in a complete daze
Wishing upon stars that I’d always gaze

This child of mine
Tears dried at last
Her torturer behind; in her past

Slowly growing into her womanhood
Slowly learn what is love, as she should
Slowly learning it too is real as just that

A sadden child, tried for years to hide
Happiness to her was foreign
Sadness & misery just kept on flowing

It is time to stand her ground
No longer hiding behind a shroud
It’s time for her to no longer bow

She never thought she’d find herself
Alas, it became so true & so profound
Loving yourself maybe w/a little help

As of today, tears silenced
Fears put out to bay
Leaving her satisfied in every way
Blessed to be breathing another day…..
WHOLE

Alone is she

 

Eating at her soul
Depression trying to take hold

Shake as she may—ignore as she tries
Nightmares to never subside

Her very own skin, to try & crawl away
No one wants to deal w/depression in any way

The scars you are to see riddling her body
Emasculate the pain that gnashes at her insides

She doesn’t truly know why it won’t just die
The past is dead why must it be locked in her head

Bestowed with pain by those to have been her guide
Created by those who didn’t care if she cried

Sometimes, she just wants to die

A, pretty, flawed flower

 

As a young child she wondered
She pondered the game of life
Wanting to slip out the backdoor
& say, ‘to hell w/all the strife’

Inside she’s cried for bloody years
She begged for reprieve in her tears
She genuflected onto both her knees
She prayed to every God; PLEASE!

A painful childhood ride
Bleeding profusely inside
Left very alone to cry
Pleading for answers to why

No answers to her questioned “whys”
No God to raise his staff
To make her misery subside
Prayers unanswered; left alone to die

It’s okay; she’s sick!

As the rose glasses shattered; moons ago, I realized nothing was going to get better in my life if I were to stay connected to those that would be just as quick to lash out as they were to kiss you on the lips [wrongfully so] I would stay stagnant, stale, kept, repeat sick cycles over & over again.

You see, I am the creation of a woman’s revenge. Vengeance to be the birth of me. Then I (my likeness) was used as an excuse as to why someone had the right to chose to drive their life in the ground when they had 3 other tiny hearts to tend to. I was the cause to a lot of suffering without ever lifting a finger or saying a word…just me breathing. I am the byproduct of 2 broken hearts that were never once bonded…..

I, as many others, wanted to (if I couldn’t feel it) at least say I belonged to a “family.”
Family that have claimed to have loved me the most have always hurt me in the worst of ways. I gave my most prized possessions away to these people…..my trust & love to those that really didn’t give two flying fucks but for their own personal perversions, gains, & games.

I want to accept peace & solace….. for now my mind is slammed w/how “sick” everyone[ this family I talked about] says I am.

Yes, I have made [my hand forced @ times] some pretty drastic changes in my life over the past 8/9 yrs for the complete betterment of myself & those around me. I have exiled (if you will) some out of my life that only offered constant hurt/pain in one way, shape, or form.  I am still a work in progress and will continue to strive forward.  If that makes me crazy, say it’s so!!!!!!

Sweet Siren

She whispers ever so sweet
“come here my dear child,”
She speaks softly & moves closer
Caressing her locks
Stroking her cheeks
Straighten the sheets
Making sure everything tidy and neat
No reason to make such a mess
When others need clean up after the dead

No Vacancy

She’s alone, this is all that she’s known
Everyone else had a home
Nothing new for this girl so blue

Hanging head, not in shame
A distant life, again, she’s come to know
Hanging head, for the emptiness inevitably grows

Her disenchanted life, she tries to mask
When alone, judgment can’t be passed
Always right & never coming in last

Hiding in the only place she’s known
Inside her head is where she calls home
The only place to have made her not feel soo
ALONE

What is it to feel…..

 

You want to feel something
Come crawl inside for awhile
Take a looksie; I don’t mind

The stomach sitting in knots
The racing thoughts
The constant non-stop

Forge through the rushing tears
So many to pour out
Over the umpteen years; no doubt

Come listen to the sweet whispers
Her voice is deepened and seductive
She lures you in w/her wiles

Oh, the sickly sweet promises
Oath of everlasting
Peace, ease, solace

Just one slice will release
The beauty of endorphins
Sanity is what she promises you to keep

She sucks you into her scope
Don’t worry; you’ll soon no longer cope
Stripped of all precious hope

Slipping up on the line of life
Listening to her whispers of losing life
Knowing it only takes one slice

You want to feel something
Come crawl inside for awhile
Take a looksie; I don’t mind

Don’t blame me for what you find~~~

Ultimate Revenge (Blogging)

ULTIMATE REVENGE

Wow what a trippy thought I just had….an ultimate revenge to a lover….should I share? Should I put this even “out there”….? Will it grow & metastasize it’s power & become a reality for some twisted coward?!?!?!
Should I share?
What the hell~
Why not…I am not writing a spell, just some thoughts of something that seems just criminally wrong if done to an ex-significant other.

FINE (dang-it, it’s sometimes bad I blog) lol
Imagine, get this …come closer so I can whisper it to you (lol)…..I don’t want everyone to hear this….wouldn’t want this to become a new trend now. Well, most all of us know that actors can be “hired” {Well, hell …I’m sure it’s been done & I’m just catching up w/the times} What if YOUR EX hired someone to really woo and court you only for their “finale” closing act would be to rip your heart out and walk away. Not saying it would “work” on everyone…but come on…..a rebound. Everyone knows that term. But a service that you can hire actors and pick out what they look like (according to your ex’s style –to best ability) personality check and good to go….place ‘em in the right spot at the right time…….WA LA….instant fuck you over to the hilt like they felt you did to their heart…….Revenge could never be a good thing……

Sorry about all the grammatical errors….i’m kinda sleep (not tired) and need to wake up. I might bore myself if i re-read & do my corrections.  MUCH LOVE & LIGHT MY FELLOW POETS, WRITERS, AND ARTISTS OUT THERE!!!

Could You

 

Could you love that side
You know
The one so many try to hide

I wish I may I wish I might
I wish I get this wish tonight

One to where lovers don’t fight
There are no other plights
No hidden agenda’s or secret delights

The spell I chant is heard by few
Felt by many
Needing to be fulfilled by plenty

Along these lines of beauty
Lies a sadness of no reason or rhyme
A depression debilitating over time

It’s earth shattering
A disorder that will never go away
Something to consider
EVERY FUCKING DAY

If you only knew
I believe you’d run too
Just like everyone says’
It I’ll happen To me

~Now, do you see~

 

 

The Dr. is in………

So, it started out waiting for my relief person, at where I volunteer, to exchange items. I text her the day before to remind her. A few text later I figured she would remember. So I text her first thing yesterday morning to remind her…..AGAIN…..well, she claimed to NOT get those text and was late in showing up. I did my breathing exercise and counted to my 10 and felt that if I was late for this dr. appointment they were going to drop me for missed appointments. I called the dr’s office to inform them that I will be running a bit behind but can I please be seen. Yes, they said they will hold my appointment. With a sigh of relief I ran out to where my boss would be and was able to exchange the items w/him and boogy an HOUR away to get to my appointment. I was late by 15 min  My appointment was for 11:30.….11:45 I RUN in.

My new Dr. who was short in nature, had a very calming jovial look across his face. He welcomed me into his office where I quickly took the seat nearest to the door. Taking in my surroundings, I noticed right away very neutral colors on the darker scale and modestly decorations. He sat across the room in a very comfortable looking leather chair.. With his notepad in his lap and his other papers on a small table next to him ….

we started to delve into my life…..

Where were you born:
How many siblings:
Parents:
Marital status:
Children:

Then the harder stuff followed……

Abuse:
Relationships:
Years:
Diagnosis:

Then the even harder part came along…..

What is it you need……

That is a question I HATE to answer.
I NEED to stop feeling so crazy.
I NEED to stop these rollercoaster emotions.
I NEED to stop crying at the drop of a hat.
I NEED to stop this anxiety from controlling my life to the point of stealing my sleep. I NEED these random invasive thoughts from bothering me HOURLY. The constant banter is tiring.
I NEED to stop harming myself.
I NEED to stop neglecting myself.
I NEED to start thinking of things
I NEED…..for lord knows there is plenty I ‘WANT’

Then my appointment was over, I was loaded w/4 scripts and instructions to come back in 6 wks.

*sigh*

That’s how my appointment went

I hope you had a better day than I

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